iamonlysleeping's Blog

you carry your heart in your hand.
you give it away whenever you can.
from death to life,
you roam the world scared;
but your human side tells you to exist.

something says, "is this war that you're fighting for even worth it?"
you say, "never knows best.
worth is in your head."

something says, "but memories,
they are messed up;
they are blurry."

you say, "inside the head,
tales tell.
the mind does lie.
check the couch for the self,
and be on the way.
all you can do is try to stay awake."

you believe that love is everything;
that love is juicy,
tasty.
it takes watering;
weeding.

you say, "remember when you were so happy and innocent?
now your eyes stare at nothing,
wishing the days would merely rush by.
our minds give us flashes of desires,
reminding us of happiness out of reach.
living is so hard.
it doesn't have to be.
I want to be high on love forever;
high on existing.
high on taking a breath."

I can feel myself improve right now. I feel hopeful, in a different way than before - maybe a more realistic way. I can feel myself become more efficient and let go of things. I am realizing and uncovering things that I didn't have an idea about, and understanding things deeper.
The main thing I realized is that running is the best thing for me, and I believe it solves most of my problems, and increases my spirituality; brings everything forward too. I've always loved running, and run quite a bit; but since that moment of some kind of epiphany, running has just looked and felt different to me. Almost necessary. I've been running far longer than I've ever ran before.
Since that moment, and that beautiful run I went on afterwards, I've decided that nothing else in life "matters", and if I'm going to be doing nothing in a day, at least I'll go for a run. It is incredibly efficient for me, and helps every aspect of my life. And efficiency leaves room for everything else, especially love. What running does for me:

running as a main spiritual practice

source of inspiration

confidence

love and passion

unconscious mind opener (related to inspiration)

intelligence (clear mind)

energy boost

meditation

in-the-moment helping

increases senses

helps with moving on

ego killing

becoming one

friend

lover

helps with writing songs

breathing

timing (with music and everything else)

organizing

happiness

rids depression

know self better

left alone with thoughts

I am thankful that I don't get everything I want, and instead get what I need. Everything that should happen will. 
I am thankful that the universe teaches me things. That I can have the chance to love and hope, and experience from those things. I am thankful that life is so interesting and that time often takes a turn in different directions than I expected.

 From a different website than EP I was on:
 
FROM:    deleted        
DATE:    10.31.09 06:01:19pm       
SUBJECT:        
       
Your anger has turned in on yourself, because it is safer rather then letting it out on others. If you do you might get rejected. I have read your blogs, and could see it happening over time. Unfortunatlely this often happens if you hold your anger in. Self worth can be zilch when this happens. You are at an age where you are supposed to be independent, but it looks like you are still trapped...emotionally. If you read other blogs you will see it written repeatedly. Depression is the lid on intense feelings, and those feelings are anger and fear. Fear of your anger. There is NO magic cure, only the obvious, and that is to get the anger out. The fear of it will become less as you vent it out. Your coping mechanisms will increase too. I am guessing your anger issues stem from the past, and will be triggered by today. Rejection usually triggers anger. You are like most that are depressed; compassionate, insightful, enjoy humour, and are highly intelligent. Worth fighting for, worthy of help. When I felt like you I saw a professional who could deal with my anger issues, and let me vent. I found cognite therapy, and self help books did not help me. I had to go back to go forward. I hope you do the same and find emotioal freedom, and peace.     

"Our lives are just one moment
a breath imagined by the senses,
And that moment is a great thought
And that thought is a desire,
The urge to being and to be love.
All at once all together, the same"
-Duane Michals

Sometimes I have to remind myself of things that I've realized, and then I start to feel better. Sometimes I hold onto things, and that slows me down. It makes me feel hopeful that reminding myself of things that are more logical instead of just from my emotions and insecurities can help like that.

You have the power to strip away many superfluous troubles located wholly in your judgement, and to possess a large room for yourself embracing in thought the whole cosmos, to consider everlasting time, to think of the rapid change in the parts of each thing, of how short it is from birth until dissolution, and how the void before birth and that after dissolution are equally infinite. (Med. 9.32; see also 2.17, 5.23, 7.47, 12.32)

Sometimes I look around at all the people around me, and wonder if any of them uses EP. Or if any of them have anxiety problems... It's so hard to tell. Weird to think too, that one of them would probably be a really good friend, if given the chance.  
A friend is someone to relate to. Someone who says, "no way! You too???!"
They're all stuck in their heads as much as you, with so many biases, insecurities, etc, holding them back.
I wonderrrrr

Is everything I do just so I can connect to something? Connect to myself... Something larger called Life.
To beauty. Most of all, to others maybe? I really want to connect to other people!!!! I really want to exchange ideas!!
I really desire most of all, is to connect to someone physical.  Hear  their voice. Senses engaged.
But at the same time, I really want to not want anything. I want things to come to me as they do, and I don't want to grasp at them and try to keep them with me. I really really don't want to feel the need to connect.
But I want to connect to people so bad at the same time.

On this day, I will strive to see the peace
that is everywhere and access the abundance of
beauty and joy that lie in every moment.
It is the Eternal Now that I am after.
I will strive to set aside everything I have learned
and presume to know
in order to allow new knowledge and new
experiences to flood my being.

I will strive to be a magnet for powerful,
positive, and miraculous truths, images, words, and music.
I will do everything in my power to clear my mind of
the negative energies that have obfuscated my view
and distorted my words and actions.
I will create a new paradigm that helps me
to recognize only the good qualities in every
person, place, and thing that composes my environment.
I will raise my energy and my light to the highest frequencies of
love, generosity, charity, compassion, forgiveness, and truth.
I will fill my head with constructive thoughts and images
that will help me to further my individual growth
so that I can illuminate and inspire the lives of others.
I will learn something new on this day and discover
a place I have never before encountered.

I will push myself to do or at least attempt something
that I never imagined I would be able to do.
I will be courteous to people who cross my path
and I will help those in need wherever and whenever
I find myself in circumstances that allow me to do so.

I will surround myself with beautiful nature
and touch the earth to show her my love and gratitude
for holding mine and everyone else's weight.
I will extend my love to the entire world and cosmos along with
my respect and humbled admiration of the divine sparks
of the Creative Force Energy that composes us all.

I will love because I can, give because I can, be gracious because I can,
be humble because I have every reason to be,
and speak my truth because that is my duty and my joy.
I will practice random acts of kindness and go out of my way
to establish order within the chaos of our world.

I will write a letter to someone I haven't spoken with for a while.
I will send a message to someone I love dearly.
I will write a poem. I will make art.
I will play my guitar and sing.
I will volunteer myself to help loved ones and friends.
I will eat and drink healthy to show my body
my deep gratitude for its existence and the role
it plays in protecting my soul and spirit.

I will recite my mantras any time I feel
overwhelmed by thoughts that cause anxiety.
I will listen to someone who rarely has the opportunity to be heard.
I will be aware of my breath and the rhythm of my heartbeat.

I will laugh and forgive myself when I forget
that I made these promises at the beginning of my day,
and at the end of my day I will celebrate and congratulate
myself for what I was able to accomplish.

kindness meditation - julie henderson - 2009